Happy 2013 to all my readers
 |
184, 27-XII-12
“Signori, mi
viene una spaventosa voglia di ridere quando penso a quei due amici con il loro
conto corrente: il pollicinctor al medico, dare: per sedici cadaveri; avere,
per quarantacinque bende, di cui due sciupate”.
“Disgraziatamente
i loro nomi si sono perduti, ma immagino che dovevano essere Quinto Burchio e
Publio Haryo. Tra parentesi, signori, qualcuno di voi ha sentito parlare recentemente
di Hare? Sento che è stabilito assai bene nell’Irlanda occidentale, dove fa, di
tanto in tanto, qualche piccolo affare, ma, come egli stesso fa osservare
sospirando, soltanto al minuto, senza niente che somigli alla bella impresa in
grande che fu tanto florida e illustre a Edimburgo. Vedete che cosa succede
quando si trascura il lavoro; questa la morale della favola, che Hare ha potuto
ricavare dall’esperienza”.
Finalmente ci
fu il brindisi del giorno, al Thuggismo in tutta la sua estensione. I discorsi
attentati in quel momento critico superarono ogni possibile calcolo. Gli
applausi furono così furibondi, la musica così tempestosa, il fracasso dei
bicchieri così incessante, con la risoluzione generale di non fare mai il
menomo brindisi con lo stesso bicchiere, ch’io sono incapace di raccontare la
scena. Per giunta il Rospo nella buca diventava intrattabile. Aveva delle
pistole che scaricava in tutte le direzioni; mandava il suo cameriere a cercare
una spingarda e si proponeva di cariarla a palle. Comprendemmo che il ricordo
di Burke e di Hare aveva risvegliata in lui l’antica pazzia, e che, nuovamente
stanco della vita, aveva risolto di sparire col favore di un massacro generale.
Non potevamo tollerare questo, ci divenne dunque indispensabile farlo uscire a
calci. Col consenso universale, facemmo così; tutti gli iscritti prestarono i
loro piedi come fossero un sol piede, pur avendo pietà dei capelli grigi e del
sorriso angelico dell’uomo. Durante l’operazione, l’orchestra attaccò il
vecchio coro. L’intera assemblea cantò e, ciò che ci sorprese grandemente, il
Rospo nella buca si unì a noi per cantare furiosamente:
Et
interrogatum est ab omnibus – Ubi est ille Rospo nella buca?
Et responsum
est ab omnibus – Non est inventus.
[10 di 10.
fine]
|
|
BONINO – (tanto soddisfatto che non osa credere a ciò che sente). Ma parlate sul serio?
CAPPATO – Sì, sì, parlo sul serio, e c’è dell’altro ancora. Pregai il signor Pannella di uscire di casa vostra con me, di abbandonarvi, di divorziare e di sposare me. La pregai e la supplicai persino questa sera stessa. Fu il suo rifiuto che ruppe ogni rapporto fra noi due. (guardandolo con grande disprezzo). Che cosa possa vedere di bello in voi, lo sa soltanto Dio!
BONINO – (raggiante e insieme punta da rimorsi). Ma, mio caro ragazzo, perché non me lo diceste prima? Io vi chiedo scusa! Su, andiamo; non serbate rancore, datemi la mano. Ditegli di stringermi la mano, Giacy!
PANNELLA – Sì, fatelo per amor mio, Marco. Dopo tutto ella è mia moglie, perdonatela. Datele la mano. (Marco, sbalordito, lascia ch’egli gli prenda la mano e la metta su quella di Emma).
BONINO – (stringendogliela con effusione). Dovete convenire con me che nessuno degli eroi della vostra letteratura può competere con il mio Giacy! (si volta verso di lui e con affettuoso orgoglio gli passa la mano sopra la spalla). Eh, Giacy, nessuno può resisterti, nessuno. Non ho mai conosciuto un uomo che non sia caduto dopo tre giorni.
PANNELLA – Non dite sciocchezze, Emma. Spero che non vi avrà fatto male (palpa la nuca a Marco, egli arretra per il dolore). Oh poveretto, che gonfiore! Occorre dell’aceto. (va al campanello e suona).
BONINO – Volete farmi un grande favore, Cappato? Oso appena chiedervelo, ma sarebbe una grande gentilezza che fareste a noi due.
CAPPATO – Che posso fare?
BONINO – (riprendendo il manoscritto delle poesie). Mi permettete di fare stampare queste poesie? Sarà fatto in edizione elegante, in carta sopraffina, con legatura di lusso, tutto di prima qualità. Sono poesie bellissime. Mi piacerebbe vederle un po’ in giro.
PANNELLA – (tornando di corsa dal campanello, felicissima della proposta e mettendosi tra loro). Oh! Marco, se non ve ne dispiace!
CAPPATO – Oh! A me non dispiace; oramai nulla più mi può dispiacere. Sono cresciuto troppo rapidamente questa sera.
PANNELLA – Quanti anni avete, Marco?
CAPPATO- Stamane avevo quarant’anni, ora ho… Maledizione, cito ancora quella dannata commedia. (leva di tasca i biglietti di “Candida” e li strappa con dispetto).
BONINO – Che titolo daremo al volume? Giacinto o qualcosa di simile, eh?
CAPPATO – Io lo intitolerei Come Cappato mentì alla moglie di Pannella.
[14 di 14. fine]
CAPPATO – Sì, sì, parlo sul serio, e c’è dell’altro ancora. Pregai il signor Pannella di uscire di casa vostra con me, di abbandonarvi, di divorziare e di sposare me. La pregai e la supplicai persino questa sera stessa. Fu il suo rifiuto che ruppe ogni rapporto fra noi due. (guardandolo con grande disprezzo). Che cosa possa vedere di bello in voi, lo sa soltanto Dio!
BONINO – (raggiante e insieme punta da rimorsi). Ma, mio caro ragazzo, perché non me lo diceste prima? Io vi chiedo scusa! Su, andiamo; non serbate rancore, datemi la mano. Ditegli di stringermi la mano, Giacy!
PANNELLA – Sì, fatelo per amor mio, Marco. Dopo tutto ella è mia moglie, perdonatela. Datele la mano. (Marco, sbalordito, lascia ch’egli gli prenda la mano e la metta su quella di Emma).
BONINO – (stringendogliela con effusione). Dovete convenire con me che nessuno degli eroi della vostra letteratura può competere con il mio Giacy! (si volta verso di lui e con affettuoso orgoglio gli passa la mano sopra la spalla). Eh, Giacy, nessuno può resisterti, nessuno. Non ho mai conosciuto un uomo che non sia caduto dopo tre giorni.
PANNELLA – Non dite sciocchezze, Emma. Spero che non vi avrà fatto male (palpa la nuca a Marco, egli arretra per il dolore). Oh poveretto, che gonfiore! Occorre dell’aceto. (va al campanello e suona).
BONINO – Volete farmi un grande favore, Cappato? Oso appena chiedervelo, ma sarebbe una grande gentilezza che fareste a noi due.
CAPPATO – Che posso fare?
BONINO – (riprendendo il manoscritto delle poesie). Mi permettete di fare stampare queste poesie? Sarà fatto in edizione elegante, in carta sopraffina, con legatura di lusso, tutto di prima qualità. Sono poesie bellissime. Mi piacerebbe vederle un po’ in giro.
PANNELLA – (tornando di corsa dal campanello, felicissima della proposta e mettendosi tra loro). Oh! Marco, se non ve ne dispiace!
CAPPATO – Oh! A me non dispiace; oramai nulla più mi può dispiacere. Sono cresciuto troppo rapidamente questa sera.
PANNELLA – Quanti anni avete, Marco?
CAPPATO- Stamane avevo quarant’anni, ora ho… Maledizione, cito ancora quella dannata commedia. (leva di tasca i biglietti di “Candida” e li strappa con dispetto).
BONINO – Che titolo daremo al volume? Giacinto o qualcosa di simile, eh?
CAPPATO – Io lo intitolerei Come Cappato mentì alla moglie di Pannella.
[14 di 14. fine]
Man charged with falling off building onto police officer
An Idaho man has been charged with disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor, after falling off a building in downtown Ketchum last summer and landing on a Blaine County Sheriff’s Office sergeant, breaking the officer’s neck. Ketchum Police Chief Steve Harkins reported that Austin B. Cruz, then 20, was charged with the crime after the case was reviewed by Ketchum City Prosecutor Rick Allington. According to court records, Cruz was not arrested but was issued a summons instead. Cruz has pleaded not guilty. The accident occurred at around 1:45 a.m. on July 15 during a street party that was part of the MASSV music event in Ketchum. According to police reports, Cruz fell from the top of a building on Main Street, landing on Sgt. Corey Weatherly, then 43, who was working security at the event. Weatherly was flown by emergency aircraft to Saint Alphonsus Regional Medical Center in Boise where he underwent surgery. Sheriff Gene Ramsey said that Weatherly remains on medical leave after undergoing a second surgery in October. He said Weatherly is still undergoing rehabilitation for the injury. “We plan on him coming back in the future,” Ramsey said. “He’s actually doing really good after the second surgery”... MT Express
Cyclist knocked off bike by bare bottom protruding from passing car window
A Swedish woman heading home in the early hours of Sunday morning following a night out with friends had her journey rudely interrupted when she was knocked off her bicycle by a rear end sticking out from a passing car. "I had no time to realize what was happening, I flew," 22-year-old Pernilla Nordqvist said following the incident. Nordqvist was just a few blocks from home as she pedalled through the otherwise quiet streets of Skellefteå in northern Sweden. "I was cycling down a bicycle path near the street when I saw the car coming toward me," she said. At first Nordqvist thought the car would turn to avoid hitting her, but the next thing she knew, the passenger's protruding posterior sent her hurtling to the ground. A passer-by who witnessed the malicious mooning promptly called police, who were also at a loss for how to describe the unusual accident. "I'm not sure how I should put this since I've never seen anything like it," Joakim Oja of the Skellefteå police said. "The butt of a passenger was hanging out the window of the car and that's what hit the cyclist". Following the violent rear end collision Norqvist was forced to see a doctor. "I had pain in my neck and legs and the doctor prescribed pain pills," she said, adding that the lingering pain prompted her to take a day off work. Oja said police had identified the owner of the offending rump and the other passengers in the car. While no criminal charges have been formally filed, police are treating the incident as a case of reckless driving… The Local
Husband discovers his wife used to be a man after 19 years of marriage
A Belgian man is seeking to have his marriage annulled after discovering that his Indonesian wife of 19 years had been born a man. The man, only named as Jan, married Monica, his family's former au pair in a previous marriage, in 1993 despite legal difficulties raised by the Belgian immigration authorities. But it was only in recent weeks that he discovered that his wife had originally been a man and had undergone a sex change. "I feel I've been assaulted," he said. "I brought her to Belgium. That was not easy. The Belgian courts had serious doubts about the authenticity of her birth and her identity papers, but eventually they accepted it anyway. I thought she was an attractive woman, all woman. She had no male traits." Jan, 64, said that he and his wife had decided not to have children because he had two by his previous marriage and she fooled him by pretending to menstruate, using sanitary towels, "to conceal the truth". "Even during sex, I never noticed anything," he said. For many years the couple lived a normal family life and Monica, 48, was like a "big sister" to his children until their marriage started to come under strain when she got a new full-time job. "Monica began to change very much," he said. "My oldest son saw her sometimes at a nightclub. She began to wear very flashy clothes, those ultra-short skirts or tiny tops, so her abdomen was completely exposed." Finally rumours began to surface and after Jan found "amorous messages" from other men on her computer, he confronted her in a violent row that led to the police being called. "A friend told me that he had heard that Monica was actually a sex-changed man. I could not believe it. My son heard similar rumours," he said. "I pushed her against the wall and said: Now I know the truth. Are you a man? She then announced that she was born as a boy and that she had been operated on. She was now a woman, and so she did not need to tell me about her past as a man. My world collapsed. That evening we came to blows. The police came." Jan, who is undergoing psychiatric treatment following the discovery, has started legal proceedings to have the marriage annulled but the Belgian courts have so far refused to allow him to turn her out of the familiy home. "That person has deliberately deceived him for years, even scammed. Presumably she has also forged documents used here to get a residence permit. The children, who for years have lived with her, are devastated," said his Liliane Verjauw, his lawyer… Telegraph
British man becomes first to travel to all 201 'countries' without flying
After 1,426 days, four full passports, one failed relationship and countless buses, trains and boats, a British man has become the first person to travel to all 201 'countries' in the world without flying. Early on Monday morning Graham Hughes was stamped into South Sudan, his last country, and the world's newest, which did not even exist when he started out on New Year's Day 2009. Since then, Mr Hughes, 33, has visited all 193 United Nations member states and Taiwan, Vatican City, the Palestinian territory, Kosovo, Western Sahara and the four home nations of the United Kingdom. The entire journey, which cost an average of £10 a day, was by train, bus, taxi or ship and at no point did he travel by air, meaning that he created a new Guinness World Record. Mr Hughes, who presents the TV show Graham's World for the National Geographic channel and charts his progress on his website The Odyssey Expedition, is even refusing to fly now he has achieved his goal, and will instead continue through Africa and across Europe by bus and boat, aiming to return home to Liverpool by ferry from Dublin in time for Christmas. "The main feeling today is just one of intense gratitude to every person around the world who helped me get here, by giving me a lift, letting me stay on their couch or pointing me in the right direction," Mr Hughes said from Juba, South Sudan's capital. Highlights were swimming in a lake of jellyfish in the Pacific archipelago of Palau, watching one of the last Space Shuttle launches from Cape Canaveral, and dancing with the jungle tribes of Papua New Guinea. "People asked me how I was going to get to Afghanistan or Iraq or North Korea, but they were the easy ones, you don't even need a visa for Iraq, you just walk across from the border in Turkey," he said. "The really tough ones were places like Nauru, and the Maldives and the Seychelles, island countries where there were also pirates." To cross oceans, Mr Hughes hitched lifts with cargo ships. He spent four days in an open fishing canoe from Senegal to Cape Verde, and was then arrested when he arrived. Later, officials in the Democratic Republic of Congo jailed him for six days believing he was a spy. The hardest point, "when I just wanted to give up", he said, was after his older sister, Nicola, died from cancer two years ago at the age of 48. Mr Hughes rushed home to see her before she died. "She told me not to stop the trip, but I was at a real low point. I'd done 184 countries and had only 17 to go and I thought why not leave it there," he said. The memory of his sister spurred him on, as did the people that he met as he travelled and the money he was raising for the British charity Water Aid… Telegraph
Man accidentally injected pressurised air into his backside while cleaning his underpants
A 26-year-old factory worker in China was cleaning his underpants with an industrial strength air pump when a slip of the wrist accidentally sent highly pressurised air rushing up his backside. The man said that when the hose came into contact with his buttocks he didn’t “feel anything special”, but afterwards began to experience an intense pain in his abdomen. It appears that the air had shot into his colon, bursting it and causing his entire abdominal cavity to swell and put pressure on his remaining organs. Co-workers at the unnamed but reportedly major company transported the man to Sun Yat-sen University Sixth Hospital in Guangzhou where he received a CT scan. The scan revealed that a massive amount of air was inside him and his condition was deemed “urgent”. He was immediately sent into the operating theatre. When the doctor made the first incision a pop was heard as the air rushed out. After that, it was a matter of cleaning out the bile that entered his body from his burst colon and posed a risk of serious infection. When he was all cleaned up six hours later the surgeons stitched his colon back together. The man spent four days in intensive care and, though he can now eat and drink again, he currently remains in hospital under observation. When interviewed, doctors said that the man was extremely lucky. Even the slightest bit more air entering his anus would have damaged his diaphragm and other organs, putting his life in jeopardy… Rocket news 24
Missing detachable penis led to alleged assault with ironing board
An argument over a misplaced sex toy escalated into the ironing board assault of a South Carolina woman by her girlfriend, police have reported. According to a police report, on Thursday afternoon officers went to the Rock Hill apartment shared by Arteesha Donaldson, 24, and Latoya Hudson, 28, in response to a domestic dispute report. Hudson told officers that Donaldson began looking for her detachable latex penis and became upset at her when she could not find the item. “Hudson states the two argued for several minutes, when Donaldson threw an ironing board at Hudson,” police reported. At that point, Donaldson’s brother allegedly joined the fray, which left Hudson with a sore head (though she declined medical attention). While Donaldson admitted engaging in “mutual combat” with her girlfriend, she denied throwing the ironing board at Hudson and said her brother only tried to break up the fight. Donaldson, who had an active warrant in a neighbouring county, was arrested for misdemeanor assault and battery… Novosti
Siberian company begins selling end-of-the-world survival kits
It might not keep you alive for long, but a Siberian firm is offering survival kits to anyone who fears the end of the world is nigh. The apocalypse kit boasts medication, including heart medicine, soap, some candles and matches, a can of fish, a pack of buckwheat, a bottle of vodka, a notepad and pencil – and a rope (possibly intended for the less optimistic). It also includes a blank ID card, to be filled in by hand should your existing IDs and cards be “demagnetized” during the apocalypse. The kit, which costs 890 rubles – roughly £18 or $28, also includes an instruction card with rules to various games to pass away any apocalypse-induced boredom. Local authorities are apparently trying to ban sales over the kit’s inclusion of vodka and medication – as both require licences to be sold. The apocalyptic craze is set to intensify in the coming weeks as the ancient Mayan calendar comes to an end on the 21st of December, the day many believe will signal the end of the world. People across Russia have repotedly been stealing essentials and trying to weasel out of debts, citing the upcoming demise of the world as we know it. Although hypotheses about the exact means of delivering the apocalypse have been voiced, most have been dismissed by mainstream scientists… Novosti
Depressed Swedes get bus stop light therapy
An energy company in Umeå, northern Sweden, has installed phototherapy lights in the city’s bus stops to combat the short days, lack of sunlight, and residents’ depression. "We wanted to show we care about the people living here in Umeå at this dark time of the year, people get depressed if they don't see the light,” Umeå Energi CEO Göran Ernstson said. The company installed so called anti-SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) lights in 26 of the city’s bus stops last week. Umeå, which lies some 500 kilometres north of Stockholm, is only light for around five hours a day at this time of year. Into December, as the temperature plummets, this figure shrinks by an hour. The snow has not yet settled, and as a result the city is even darker than usual, something the energy company wants to fight artificially. “Umeå residents both own us and are our customers and we believe we all need to be re-energized when it gets like this," Ernstson continued. "Even though it snowed today, the sun had set by 2pm. People need to get their vitamin D somehow!” The energy company boasts that the energy used to power the lamps comes from renewable sources such as solar, wind, and hydropower. In addition, the lights filter out harmful UV rays, preventing potential eye and skin damage for those standing beneath them waiting for the bus. However, not everyone in Umeå is beaming with the new additions to the bus stops. Local resident Tomas Helleborg claims the lights are so dazzling that it’s almost a struggle moving past them. “The light is quite bright indeed and directed to the street outside the bus-stops, and I don't really like them,” he said. “They’re simply too bright when you’re biking or driving past in the dark!” Light therapy is a known treatment for Seasonal Affective Disorder by compensating for lost sunlight exposure and resetting the body's internal clock. Also known as heliotherapy and phototherapy, it can be also used to treat skin, sleep and psychiatric disorders… The Local
Investigation into police use of Memorial Park to cremate cannabis
The Environment Protection Authority in Australia is investigating police use of a crematorium to destroy drugs. Police use the Forest Lawn Memorial Park crematorium in Leppington, New South Wales to destroy drugs up to 10 times a year. Forest Lawn communications manager Karl Wolfenden said both Green Valley and Liverpool police commands had used the facility to destroy illicit substances such as cannabis "for years". "We respond when needed," he said. Police requests are recorded but no fee is charged. "Each time, the burns have been conducted by police, not Forest Lawn staff, and there are several officers there to supervise," Mr Wolfenden said. "We don't touch the evidence bags or see them opened before they are destroyed." He said news the Environment Protection Authority was investigating the practice came as a surprise. We thought we were helping law enforcement and the community," he said. A police spokeswoman said the drugs were destroyed at the crematorium "based on advice that the location was an approved facility". An EPA spokeswoman confirmed police use of crematoriums was being investigated… Liverpool leader
Catholic Church sets up exorcist hotline to deal with demand
The Catholic Church has established an exorcist hotline in Milan, its biggest diocese, to cope with demand. Monsignor Angelo Mascheroni, the diocese’s chief exorcist since 1995, said the curia had also appointed twice as many exorcists to cope with a doubling in the number of requests for help over 15 years. “We get many requests for names, addresses and phone numbers; that’s why we’ve set up a switchboard in the curia from Monday to Friday from 2.30pm to 5pm,” he said. “People in need can call and will be able to find a priest in the same area who doesn’t have to travel too far.” And to that end, the number of demon-busting priests on call has increased from six to 12. The Monsignor said he knew of one exorcist who had been seeing up to 120 people a day. “But with so little time per client he was only able to offer a quick blessing. That’s not enough,” he said. ”There should be two to four appointments a day, no more, otherwise it’s too much”. It’s not clear why the number of suspected possessions has risen so sharply. But Monsignor Mascheroni said that part of the increase might be explained by the rising numbers of parents having difficulty controlling disobedient teenagers. “Usually the parents call [because they are] concerned about a child who won’t go to school or who’s taking drugs or rebelling. In reality it’s not a demon, but when they’re 18 years old young people don’t want to be told what to do”. He warned that many worried and vulnerable people were at risk from charlatans. “Magicians demand money; we … give our time, give benediction … all for free. It couldn’t be any other way.” The Monsignor said that all those who sought help were welcomed. But he added: “The real diabolical phenomena, at least in my experience, are very rare.” He said that “mental phenomena, mental and psychiatric disorders” were often to blame for unusual behaviour... Independent
Iscriviti a:
Post (Atom)